Published: 16 February 2011 Written by Bob Stone
Matt. 5:31-32; 19:9-12; 1 Cor. 7:10-16
The crisis of divorce is a highly emotional, yet significant matter we must consider as thoughtfully and lovingly as we can. Most of us approach this subject with mixed feelings, because it is almost impossible to address without inflicting further hurt on some or arousing the wrath of others. The subject is too important, however, for such risks to keep us from sensitively giving attention to a biblical perspective on divorce and remarriage.To bring some personal focus to this biblical perspective, we will address three groups of people: the divorced, the married, and the single. Some will fit into two of these categories.
Thinking about this subject may actually reawaken some pain and questions from your past. The last thing we want to do is to inflict you with more hurt. We do, however, have an obligation to speak the truth about this matter, for your sake and so that we may prevent others from getting caught in the same tragedy. Listen carefully, then, to what is said in this second session and evaluate your own situation in the light of Scripture. The biblical perspective will not attempt to answer every question you may have, so listen closely for the principles and apply them as they are needed.
Marriage is very important to God. He chose it as the one relationship to depict the union between Himself and His church, and it is the building block and preserver of society. So, as we saw in part one, the question for believers is not "how or should I get a divorce", but "how can I, by God's grace, live in such a way that I will bring ultimate happiness to my mate and in the process, bring glory to God." If we own an accurate theology of marriage and—by the strength of God—live by its principles, we won't need to deal with the question of divorce in our lives.
The statistics,however, show that many of you will marry, so listen closely and prepare yourself for that potential if you choose it.
What softens the heart is recognizing our inability to handle any situation and thus relying upon the wisdom and love of God. Hardness of heart is a selfish attitude determined to go its own way and do what it desires to do. So—the encouragement comes again—we must soften our hearts before God and pray for that for each other.
In this session, we want to return to Jesus' teaching in Matthew 19:9. With verses 3-8 as a foundation, Jesus answered the original question of the Pharisees in verse 3—"Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
v. 9—I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.
Jesus had already told them that the reason for all divorce is hardness of heart, but now added that the primary result of hardness of heart is marital unfaithfulness. (See also Matt. 5:31-32.) The word for "marital unfaithfulness" is "porneia" in the Greek. It's the word from which we get our word "pornography," and is a broad term encompassing adultery, incest, bestiality, homosexuality, prostitution and any other area of sexual perversion. It refers to a lifestyle of sexual promiscuity of any variety.
There is a very practical reason why this nullifies a marriage relationship. Jesus has already taught that when we are married, we become one flesh. That "one flesh" relationship is symbolized and communicated at the physical level in the sexual union. This is very significant because
1 Cor. 6:15-20—Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.' But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.
Unfaithfulness, then, is the one thing that will rip a marriage apart, because we can't be one with two people at the same time. This teaching dealt a death blow to polygamy. It elevated the woman so that devotion to her was to be exclusive—one wife for a man's entire life.
If we heard what Scripture said and followed its instruction, we would not only live more intelligently and practically, we would also avoid sins against the body as well as the wrath of God. Obedience to Christ's commands will reap an eternal life of fulfillment and blessing; the pleasures of sin are only for a season. The choice is ours!
Jesus is able to heal any hurt or failure we can mention, if we give Him a chance. As we said in our last session, Jesus can heal each partner and then bring them back together for a new beginning. Divorce is definitely not God's way of resolving marriage problems.
The Bible does not present divorce as an option, but as a last resort, if not a last rite... Stanley Ellisen, p. 48.
The following quote will sum up the issue and the need for the counterbalance of grace.
The tragic sin of extramarital sex is so devastating in God's eyes as to signify the death of the marriage. The permissive attitude of our age is entirely foreign to the Bible. Both Jesus and Paul stressed the enormity of the crime of marital unfaithfulness, as already emphasized throughout the Old Testament. No Bible writer ever suggested a compromise in this regard. Fornication is the one cause Jesus recognized as legitimate grounds for divorce (Matt. 5:32; 19:9). Paul, in fact, saw it as tantamount to marriage to the harlot (fornicator; 1 Cor. 6:16). Where such infidelity has taken place, then, it is a call for separation or for bringing the issue to a head. God does not tolerate such immoral relations, and the other partner is likewise not to put up with it. Allowing it to continue without confronting it is to condone what God hates. The law is to be laid down with righteous indignation.Having noted the need for laying down the law, however, we should also remember the counterbalance of grace. Although the words of Jesus give strong evidence that fornication is legitimate grounds for complete divorce, reconciliation is not to be ruled out. For the believer who has tasted of God's forgiving grace, reconciliation with the erring partner should still be sought. Such forgiveness and reconciliation should be extended only on the basis of proper repentance and a sincere reaffirmation of faithfulness to the marriage vows. Without these the reconciliation is a farce and a prelude to further failure"—Stanley Ellisen, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, Zondervan Publishing Co., pp. 96-97.
We see in verse 9 not only the primary cause for divorce, but the primary caution for remarriage. Jesus said, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another, commits adultery." This verse indicates that remarriage can result in adultery. We must be aware that divorce and remarriage not based on biblical grounds is adultery in God's eyes. We are not free to end a marriage because of any whim, or incompatibility. Many Christians today, either ignorantly or willfully, are committing adultery in their remarriages because they have misunderstood or ignored this verse.
Comparing this passage with Matthew 5:32, we see that divorce not granted on these biblical grounds also causes two others to sin—the divorced wife and the one who married her. The caution for remarriage is obvious to anyone involved in a divorce, or marrying one not divorced on biblical grounds.
We can remarry only under extremely limited conditions, and one of two possible exceptions is listed here. "...except for marital unfaithfulness..." The exception applies not only to the divorce, but also to the remarriage, so if we have valid biblical grounds for divorce, there are valid grounds for remarriage. Remarriage may not be your best option (1 Cor. 7:8-9,32-35,40), but if you are biblically released from a marriage, there is potential for remarriage
Where do we get this idea, that the biblical grounds for remarriage is the same as the biblical grounds for divorce? Doesn't it specifically say that if we remarry, or marry a divorced person, we commit adultery? If we look closely at the text, we see the exception clause: "Except for marital unfaithfulness..." placed within v. 9 and set off from the rest of the sentence by two commas. This sentence construction inserts that exception, grammatically, into the entire verse. We are to stay married unless that relationship has been broken by adultery—"porneia"—and we are not to remarry unless the divorce was granted because of adultery!
Adultery then has the effect of aborting or dissolving a marriage union in the eyes of God. Though the marriage was designed by God to be permanent or lifelong, the act of adultery breaks the one-flesh union of husband and wife in defiance of the will of God. As Paul said, "the one who joins himself to a harlot is one body with her" (1 Cor. 6:16, NASB). This being true, the other partner is not guilty of adultery when getting a divorce. Adultery in that case has already been committed, and has severed the union by the breach of faithfulness and a new physical union. Stanley Ellisen, Ibid, p. 52.
If you are caught in the backlash of someone's sin, in that your marriage partner is having an illicit sexual relationship, according to this exception clause you are free to get a divorce and to remarry. (See Appendix on Questions and Guidelines for Remarriage.) Let me caution you, however, not to approach remarriage with smugness or hardness of heart. You must recognize that at least in measure, no one is totally innocent in a relationship and marriage breakup. With a soft, repentant heart, approach God and seek His face as to what you should do. Above all, don't be foolish and jump quickly into another relationship just because you believe you have the right. I can promise you it will likewise end in disaster or severe trial.
With that in mind, let me offer a strong word to those who are looking for a way out of a messy marriage. Make sure you approach divorce and remarriage with honesty and integrity, and on biblical grounds. I have heard Christians say, "If you don't like your present mate, divorce him or her and get married again. Even if it is wrong, God will forgive you if you ask Him to, and you can just go on and enjoy the new union." The attitude behind that statement is bothersome, because it treats lightly what God views very seriously.
That kind of statement reveals little or no concept of a holy and righteous God. If you profess salvation but the previous statement is your view, I doubt very seriously if you are presently experiencing a vital relationship with the living God. You are lightyears away from what God intends for your life, and you are also presuming on the grace of God. I plead with you, don't play with the mercy of God. "God forbid that you go on sinning that grace may increase," Rom. 6:1. (This applies not only to the one who willfully disobeys God's plan for marriage, but every other command of God too.)
Jesus' teaching not only left the Pharisees with their mouths open; it caused the disciples some frustration, too.
v. 10—The disciples said to him, 'If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.'Their comment in essence was, "If that is what marriage is all about, we're better off single." This frustration often occurs when people fully understand what marriage is all about; they see it as impossible to achieve. This teaching cuts right through popular opinions and reveals the heart and intention of God. No wonder the response is, "How can I live up to this standard?"
Jesus answered them with a great response to those who are unmarried.
vv. 11-12—Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Jesus was saying that not everyone will need to be concerned about marriage, because some have not been given that gift. Notice the categories of celibacy:
Jesus did not separate the subject of singleness and celibacy—to Him they were a single subject. If you choose a single lifestyle, you have to come to grips with celibacy, for the two subjects are are not separated in the Christian life. They are totally separated in the world, but not in Christ's view. The world says to the single, "Be as promiscuous as you want to be." The Lord says, "If you are single, that means you abstain from all sexual activity and you must live a celibate life until you are married or die."
When Jesus summed it up, "The one who can accept this should accept it," what was He saying to the single and married? Here's a paraphrase of the command: Be honest in your estimation of yourself. If you can accept a single life and have the Spirit's enablement to live it, then do so with confidence and rejoicing. Give yourself to the kingdom of God. Don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel incomplete, if this is your stance. If you are being led to marriage, or are you are already married, rejoice, too!
If we add these last two verses to all the others here, there are some implications for singles that we should note.
Unless a commitment between two people is finalized in the covenant of marriage before God, any sexual relationship is without meaning and is sin. It will also ultimately be destructive. Please understand, this instruction is not some narrow, puritanical interpretation. It expresses a biblical restriction based on who God has created us to be. Remember, all of God's commands are for our provision and protection.
That concludes Jesus' teaching on the subject, so let's turn to one more key passage in the New Testament that has bearing on the subject of divorce and remarriage. Let's look at
vv. 10-11—To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
These verses states for us God's idea of marriage: it is to be a lifelong commitment with no divorce intended. On the surface, this verse does not even seem to provide an exception for this ideal. As we read the context, however, we see that in the next few verses an exception to this statement is given.
These two verses are God's ideal for all marriages.
That is the general principle for all believers, but how about marriages where one member is a Christian and the other is not? Obviously, we need further information. This clarification is given under the inspiration of the Spirit, in addition to what the Lord taught.
vv. 12-13—To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him."
As we saw in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, there is an exception to the general rule, but here it is stated separately from the ideal situation of verses 10-11. These verses are answering the questions concerning one partner becoming a Christian and the other remaining an unbeliever. Is this a union that ought to be terminated by the believing partner? The answer is clear.
If the unbeliever wants to remain married, then the believer is not to seek a divorce. If the unbelieving mate is willing to live with the believer, then the teaching of Paul; not to 'be mismatched with unbelievers,' (2 Cor. 6:14) does not apply. Elsewhere Paul explains: 'Everyone should remain in the state in which he was called' (1 Cor. 7:20)—Larry Richards, Remarriage, Word Inc., Waco, Texas, 1981, p. 123.
Why is the divorce prohibited? Notice the reason given in verse 14.
v. 14a—For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.
This is a fascinating verse, but for the sake of brevity, we need to limit our discussion. What does this mean? Sanctified means, "set apart." Therefore, the testimony of the mate sets the unbeliever in a place where God can speak to him/her and convict him/her of sin. Because he/she is joined with a believer, a powerful witness is taking place. God often reaches an unbelieving marriage partner through the believing partner—often without a word. (See 1 Pet. 3:1-2.)
Note: Many religious cults say that unless your mate submits to the teaching of that cult, you are to divorce him/her and marry someone within the cult. Put that down as not being the teaching of the Bible.
Another reason to avoid divorce is in the next verse.
v. 14b—Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
This tells us that the children are not the reason to seek a divorce, because if the believing mate is living in a godly way, he/she is also positively affecting the spiritual nature and perspective of the children. In other words, even if you are married to an unbeliever, the children need not be affected in a negative way. You can live in that environment and raise your kids in such a fashion that they are powerfully drawn to Christ. There is no reason to worry about negative influences from the unbelieving mate, if you live a godly life. Your children and your husband will be better off if you remain married!
What happens if the unbeliever desires to depart? The answer is in the next verse.
vv. 15-16—But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Here we see that if an unbelieving mate is not provoked by the believing spouse and yet decides to leave him/her, then the believer should let him/her go and not be tormented by doubt as to whether he/she sinned. Notice specifically, the passage says, "the believer is not bound in such circumstances." Only hardness of heart would cause an unbeliever to react negatively to a believer's love, because the godly mate is giving him/her every reason to stay married. (See 1 Pet. 3:1-6.)
The word "bound" might be paraphrased "to be in a continuing state of bondage." Paul's point is that the marriage to the unbeliever no longer continues. Because the marriage bond is broken, the divorced believer may consider himself unmarried, because God has called us to live in peace.
Does this mean that the believer is free to remarry? This Scripture is not totally clear as to if, and when, remarriage should take place. Waiting will not necessarily bring your partner to the Lord, according to verse 16. On the other hand, a quick divorce and remarriage totally closes the door to reconciliation. Therefore, I believe the possibility of remarriage must be decided between the believer and God.
"Certainly, if sexual immorality is engaged in, or if desertion is so prolonged as to give no prospect of reconciliation, a de facto divorce will have to take place, whether or not it has been sought or granted"—Stanley Ellisen, Ibid., p. 57.
You will remember from our study of the Old Testament passage Deut. 24:1-4, that if divorce did take place on biblical grounds, it was understood to open the door to potential remarriage.
I hope what has been established in this: Divorce is basically allowed because of hardness of heart. Even if we are the victim of someone else's sin, then, we must be careful about having even a measure of hardness of heart. This hardness of heart is displayed in two ways that will end a marriage in God's eyes. These are the only two exceptions in Scripture to God's ideal of marriage. If unrepentant sexual immorality occurs in one mate, or if desertion occurs by an unbeliever, then the Bible indicates that the marriage commitment ends. At that point, remarriage in the Lord and in His time is a potential. This is, of course, after all possible means of reconciliation and forgiveness have been pursued.
For those of you who are presently married, whether or not your divorce and remarriage was on Scriptural grounds, God makes it very clear that you should remain married to that partner. (See 1 Cor. 7:17,20,27.) There is an unscriptural teaching that says if you are remarried, you should divorce your present mate and return to the former one. Deuteronomy 24:4 and 1 Corinthians 7:27 make it clear that is wrong and an abomination to the Lord. That isn't an excuse or endorsement of the circumstances that brought about your remarriage, but if you are remarried, by God's grace and in His love you are to make that the best possible relationship and marriage.
For some churches this isn't even a question, because it doesn't matter what a person does—each one is free to choose and act as he or she pleases, regardless of what Scripture says. As for other churches, the distinct impression given to the divorced and remarried is, "You can come and sit in our pews; we'll even take your money, but don't open your mouth, because you're a second class citizen."
If a person has committed a crime and served his time in the penitentiary and in that prison received Christ, how should we respond if he gets out and wants to come to our church? In many places they'd put him on the platform and make an evangelist out of him. "A crime to Christ testimony!" Others would at least allow him in some setting to give his testimony of how God has saved him and forgiven him.
What do we do with the person who has never bothered to get married and yet lived promiscuously all his life, and he/she desires to come to Christ? We rejoice at his/her salvation. So it is not appropriate to show a double standard to the person who has been divorced and remarried and then come to Christ. When someone comes to Christ, old things are passed away and all things become new—2 Cor. 5:17. If Jesus is your Savior—even if you have been a murderer, a prostitute, a thief, a self-righteous Pharisee, or a divorcee—you are my brother or sister. You have a new nature, so let's start there.
Notice how Jesus responds to the sinner. How about the woman at the well (John 4:4-42)? By God's Law she was an adulteress—divorced five times and living with a sixth man. By God's grace, however, she was forgiven and used by Jesus to start a revival. How about the woman caught in adultery (John 8:2-11)? By God's Law she deserved punishment, but by God's grace she was not condemned.
Our model as a church will be Jesus'!
Without condoning or in any way affirming their sin, we must take divorced believers where they are and love them into right standing with God. If we can't love them and lead them to forgiveness and repentance, they may not find any other place! If we can't accept sinners, where are they going to go? Where do we refer them? Do they deserve the love of Jesus? Yes, as much as any of us do!
We as a church will be like Christ, who intersected people on the garbage heap of their lives and led them to repentance and forgiveness! I know there are those who will take advantage of that grace and love and will use the forgiveness of God as an encouragement to go and do what they want and then come back and ask for His forgiveness. God will deal with them. I believe we have no choice, though, but to joyfully open our arms and lead the person whose heart is broken by his/her sin to true repentance and forgiveness. (See 2 Cor. 7:8-13 for a description of true repentance.) These people have been hurt enough. Let's just love them!
At the same time, we are obligated by the love of Jesus to receive anyone Jesus sends here, even if they are not where they should be in their spiritual life.
No matter how sinful a person's past has been or their present state, we are compelled by the love of Christ to take all sinners and lead them to right standing with God! That's why we are here. We will be a healing community of love, acceptance and forgiveness.
If the divorce was unwanted and at the initiation of your mate, and if it was not on biblical grounds, you should remain single until such time as one of the two exceptions applies. For instance, if your former mate remarries, or is living in a continuous adulterous affair, then you are free to consider remarriage.
If the above questions have been answered, remarriage should be approached under the following guidelines: